At this writing, President Trump has signed 123 executive orders, covering matters as varied as reciprocal tariffs and electoral integrity to undoing the Left’s war on shower heads. In sum, these constitute an essential attempt by his administration to return America to its greatest days.
If that admirable goal is to be achieved, however, one key executive order remains to be promulgated: call it Restoring Sanity to Make Baseball Great Again.
Needless to say, this is a subject close to the president’s heart. Well positioned sources in the administration confirm that had Trump, a power-hitting first baseman in high school, chosen to pursue the sport further he would currently be a member of the Hall of Fame. FIRST BALLOT!
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The Order:
By the authority vested in me as president by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1. Purpose and Policy.
Over the past 50 years, Americans of all ages have been subjected to concerted and intentional efforts to degrade the most glorious of all games, baseball. During this period, long-established and objectively fantastic elements of the game have been replaced by all manner of lunatic idiocy and gimmickry, resulting in a catastrophic degradation of the overall quality of American life.
Tragically, as a result, baseball has surrendered its status as “our national game,” rarely meriting so much as a passing mention by the pathetically Woke jerks at ESPN.
Driving this devastating process has been the falsehood that baseball is too “slow” in its natural state. In consequence of this calumny, millions of the nation’s young have abandoned the game and the lessons it imparts, turning instead to violent video games and other activities alien to the American spirit, such as soccer (not to be confused with real “football”).
By subverting our commitment to a shared past, the assault on traditionalist baseball has undermined our unity and shared sense of purpose. Rather than fostering national pride, it widens societal divides and deepens our nation’s mental health crisis.
Though this process of degradation has been ongoing for decades, it advanced with greatest speed under the prior administration, as even ballplayers so esteemed they’d been assigned admiring monikers like “The Big Hurt” or “The Big Unit” were now told that such titles represented male brutishness and oppression. Indeed, the very rules under which they played, rules by which generations of American boys were instructed in the lessons of fair play and manliness, have themselves been steadily abandoned.
With this order, we will restore baseball to its rightful place as a symbol of inspiration and American greatness—igniting young imaginations, honoring the richness of baseball history and innovation, and instilling pride in the hearts of all Americans.
Section 2. The Harm to American Life and Liberty from the DH Rule
(a) April 6, 1973—the day the first designated hitter appeared in a major league baseball game—is a date that lives in infamy. Initially applying only to the American League, the DH rule proved to be the starting point for the wholesale gutting of the game’s sacred norms. For in eliminating from the batting order weak-hitting—or, alternatively, especially strong-hitting—pitchers, this vile development changed baseball’s fundamental nature by doing away with an indispensable strategic element of the game, all in a doomed attempt to widen its appeal to the simpler-minded. As such, it has justly affronted millions of patriotic American. Under this Order, the Secretary of Health and Human Services shall assess the impact of the DH on the American IQ, as well as its link to the sharp spike in hopelessness among so-called Millennials and Zillennials since 2022, when the odious practice was adopted by the National League.
(b) Furthermore, since the introduction of the DH, precious major league roster spots have gone to players with minimal defensive ability at the expense of the multifaceted and nimble, the sorts of individuals Americans recognize as essential to our nation’s success—and nowhere more so than on the battlefield. As part of an interdepartmental effort, therefore, the Secretary of Defense shall determine the degree to which the DH rule has hampered the ability of today’s young to “think on their feet.” Specifically, Americans boys between the ages of five and 16 shall be assessed on their ability to determine, in five minutes, using paper and pencil, a task that those born between 1945 and 1955 could perform within seconds in their heads: the change in a player’s batting average, based on his last at-bat.
(c) This research shall be used as the factual basis for the elimination of the DH rule from all aspects of American life.
(d) The means employed to accomplish this shall be left to Tom Homan.
Section 3: Restoring the Truth and Justice of Extra Innings
(a) The insanity of rules revisionism has culminated in the concept of the “ghost runner”––a baserunner being awarded second base, without having earned it, at the start of each additional inning of games that are tied after nine. Another product of the giveaway Biden era, the rule’s supposed goal is as bizarre as the rule itself: to ensure that extra-innings games end quickly.
(b) Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem shall put it out of its misery.
(c) On what basis? Because extra innings are fantastic—not just more baseball, but the best baseball of all, extra innings are the supreme test of character, endurance, and all-American grit.
(d) Because, in an age of pitch counts and softie elite starters pulled after five innings and 80 pitches, we need more extra innings, not less. Who can forget the Giants–Braves game of July 2, 1963, Juan Marichal vs. Warren Spahn, which the Giants finally won, 1-0, on a Willie Mays home run in the bottom of the 16th. Both starters went all the way, throwing a total of 428 pitches. Spahn had just turned 42.
(e) We can keep the pitch clock. That turned out okay.
Section 4: Welcome Back, Chief Wahoo
(a) As Cleveland shall welcome back its Indians and the team’s mascot, so by this order shall Washington get back its Redskins, St. John’s University its Redmen, and hundreds of other cities and towns across the country bullied by Woke scolds into compliance shall with this order bring back their beloved names and symbols.
(b) A big presidential tip of the cap to the Kansas City Chiefs and the Atlanta Braves, who held the line through the worst of it, the Braves also heroically maintaining the beloved Tomahawk Chop. (By this order, the team’s former mascot, Chief Noc-A-Homa, shall likewise be restored to his rightful place—his teepee beyond the leftfield fence.)
Section 5: Congratulations to Cincinnati
(a) The city gave its stadium the best possible name—Great American Ballpark, closely followed by Milwaukee’s American Family Field.
(b) Fenway Park and Wrigley Field are also terrific names—solid, traditional, and historical.
(c) It is hereby ordered that henceforth, no stadium shall be named or renamed for a bank.
(d) Further, it is ordered that, no matter the venue, loud, discordant music— excepting the national anthem, certain Elvis songs, and, in Chicago, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”—shall be forbidden, as shall be all ear-splitting sounds that, in the estimation of the Secretary of the Interior, would never have been permitted in ballparks of the 1950s, including but not limited to loud urgings over the public address system that spectators “Clap Your Hands” or otherwise cheer on contrived between-innings competitions. In a great nation of a strong and self-reliant people, the game itself is enough.
Section 6: Ridding The Hall of Woke
(a) The president himself has already made clear his opinion that the late, great Pete Rose—like all of us flawed, but the game’s all-time hits leader—merits entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame, and it is expected that this shall occur with dispatch. While a consistent course of action remains to be formulated regarding those denied entry to the august body based on alleged use of performance-enhancing substances, among them Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, by this order, the president hereby mandates that another all-time great, Curt Schilling, hitherto denied fully merited admission to the Hall as payback by left-wing sportswriters for his exemplary political views, be admitted forthwith.
Section 7: Saving the Youth of America
(a) No one put it better than Babe Ruth. In his farewell address, mere weeks before his death, the Bambino said that his greatest gift in life had been “to grow up to know how to play ball,” and how grateful he was to know that new generations of boys were devoted to the “national pastime—the only real game, I think, in the world, baseball.” Today, the America that produced that devotion to the game in our young is under threat. We must restore it if we are to rescue our country.
(b) It is therefore ordered that baseball is officially America’s National Game.
(c) It is further ordered that baseball’s Opening Day be recognized as a federal holiday, to be duly celebrated with appropriate festivities in locales large and small across America.
(d) Finally, it is hereby decreed that henceforth World Series games shall be played only in daytime; and, further, that by various inducements (including but not limited to the possible withholding of federal funds), the Secretary of Education shall encourage school districts everywhere in the United States—including those with otherwise admirable bans on cell phones and other listening devices—temporarily to lift such restrictions, enabling surreptitious access to those vital broadcasts by America’s determined and resourceful young, thereby producing the greatest generation of citizens ever.
Top Photo: Bettmann via Getty Images
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